Satire: 2022 Australian Restrictions and Mandates

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A message from the Australian government and our partners: The World Health Organisation, the United Nations, and the World Economic Forum. 

Starting on January 1, 2022, we mandate that all Australians wear nappies (commonly referred to as pull-ups). You have a 99.8% chance of not soiling yourself but it is to protect others. All children are required to wear them and to also carry a spare pair when at school. Hand sanitizer must be carried by all citizens and children at school must carry it tied to their bags. Children must use hand sanitizer each time they enter a classroom. Children are also required to wear masks at all times at school except when playing sports and at recess and lunch.

Parents who are not vaccinated will be unable to enter the school grounds.  The government on the best advice has made proof of vaccination a requirement to view student performances and assemblies. Parents who are not vaccinated are unable to watch children’s sports on school days or weekends. Parents who are not vaccinated should not socialise with other parents and caregivers. 

As a covid safe initiative, all children over five years will be transported yearly for annual booster shots or twice yearly depending on health advice. If the student is unable to, they have one month to show proof of vaccination or be denied school attendance. Parents and caregivers who homeschool must show evidence of childhood vaccinations.

For those who fail to comply with Covid vaccinations, the government under the health security act will utilize the Department of Child Protective Services and the child or children will be vaccinated. Parents and caregivers who fail to comply with health directives more than two times will face possible child removal by the state. 

The government teaming up with Pfizer and AstraZeneca to offer the breathtaking prize of a brand new home in a choice of locations throughout Australia. The family who has had all their boosters is eligible for the prize. 

We encourage all families to keep up with the Joneses.  Our Life in the Vax Lane promotion was a great success and we have record numbers of families vaccinated. We encourage you to dob on your neighbors who have not had the booster shots. Now is a time for dobbing. It is the time to keep our communities safe. 

All children over 12 must show their Covid passports every term and to make sure they are on schedule. By 2025 Covid passports will be mandatory for all Australians. Covid passports will be needed to access supermarkets, shops, malls, stadiums and other places. Children over 12 must use their Covid passports to use public transport. Failure to use it and produce it when requested will incur arrest and parents or caregivers notified. A date for the Children’s Court will be made. Parents without reasonable excuse will be issued a $5,000 fine. 

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