With the Coronavirus spreading exponentially in China and global cases increasing in frequency, having surpassed the threat of the 2003 SARS outbreak yesterday, many are understandably fearful of contracting the potentially deadly virus.
The World Health Organisation on the other hand have made a
resoundingly reassuring statement today to ease the public’s anxiety over the
unleashed biological weapon, believed by some to be a result of bat soup consumption.
“Coronavirus is deadly only to elderly, people with compromised immune systems, third wave feminists, communists and low test flogs with left-wing views” WHO spokesperson Manuel Salsa-Verde Gonzalez declared, adding “The sorts of people who call you racist for suggesting a total shutdown of trade and travel to and from China will be mercilessly culled by this divine retribution for mankind’s many sins against nature and God.”
“To those right-thinking folks who love justice and wholesomeness, who cherish life and even occasionally indulge in the odd bat-soup and wolf-cub banquet, this global plague will be God’s way of making home ownership possible in your lifetime. Rejoice.” he said.
“Soon this awful awful, nightmare will be over.”
“Oh, and did I mention that alcohol kills the virus? Rest easy Australia, though you’ve suffered dearly with the recent Bushfires and whatnot, you can practically sit this one out. Hell, your scientists will probably come up with the cure!”
Gonzalez did admit that it was in fact a global emergency however, and BBC Pidgin broached the topic in an apocalyptic and chilling manner.
“Infection don spread enter at least 16 kontries don make kontries around di world dey at alert” a report read, with the Nigerian health ministry declaring “e don become necessary to issue dis travel advisory to Nigerians. Di first na say make all Nigerians and all pesin wey dey plan to go China delay dia travel plans till further notice except e important well-well”. Chilling.
In other good news it seems India may well be on track to become a global superpower by the end of 2020 in a similar manner to Steven Bradbury’s win in the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympic speed skating event. The Coronavirus is set to inexorably cripple the Chinese economy and global standing leaving a global shortage of underpaid sweatshop serfs.
“This is our time to shine” Indian IT consultant, scooter mechanic and father of 7 Panjeet Singh declared, between customer service calls in his cramped call-centre cubicle “all that public defecation has made us strong and practically immune to this sort of thing. And to think you used to laugh at us. Well who’s laughing now?”.
At press time, Gonzalez was seen cracking open a generic non-brand name cerveza “Cheers” he said, now all it needs is a slice of Lyme ha ha!”
If you liked this satire article, you may also enjoy my other recent satire piece about Idris Elba playing Mulan in the live-action adaptation here.