Woke readers, it almost feels like hate speech to continue on last week’s story, but it must come to light. Trigger warning, stories of cultural appropriation, racism, fascism, and Nazism are ahead.
Last week my boss at the juice bar presented me with a new product, and I was shocked to see it was the most bigoted product ever created by man. It was a wrap with a lentil and hummus filling. Yes, I’m serious. Everyone knows that wraps are culturally-appropriated white tacos and filling it with hummus and lentils is racist towards the middle eastern community.
I looked at her, stunned. “You can’t be serious,” I said to her, my fists clenched, my legs shaking. She looked at me with a confused look on her face. This was a teachable moment, a chance to make another human being get woke. I raised my hand high in the air and brought it down with great force upon the container holding the wrap. The culturally appropriated taco was destroyed, now it was time to attack the offender.
“How could you! This is racist! This is cultural appropriation! Wraps!? Lentils!? You are a Nazi!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Relax,” she said, “it’s just a healthy snack, it has nothing to do with race or culture.” She clearly isn’t woke, and does not understand that EVERYTHING has to do with race and culture.
“You are literally Hitler! Go to hell! I will not work for a fascistic company!” I screamed. I stormed out of the juice bar, throwing customers juices and smoothies on the ground on my way out. I ran to the park and to gather my thought. I pulled out my phone and tweeted out what had happened to me, and it would only take four hours for the company to publicly apologize and fire the manager. I felt very satisfied until I saw a horrible sight. A white male with dreadlocks. I was infuriated.
The story of how I handled this next week.
Until then, Hansel.
Deputy Editor, The Unshackled
Host of the Front and Center Podcast