From: Hillary Rodham Clinton (firstname.lastname@example.org)
To: President Trump (email@example.com)
I sure hope this message reaches you, as you know I have had some issues with emails going missing (LOL). On this, your 72nd birthday, I’d like to congratulate you for all you’ve achieved. Yes, you managed to thwart my plan of becoming president by marrying the village bicycle on which everyone has had a ride to wiggle my way into the presidency using half the money I did. Honestly, I may not like your politics, but one must stand in awe of what you managed to pull.
The truth, Donald, is that I don’t really harbour any negative feelings towards you anymore. You may find that hard to believe, but cross-my-icy-heart it’s true, in fact, the only reason I’ve continued to bash you on TV and on award shows is more an exercise in marketing than anything else. You know us, Donald, whether it’s a Russian plutonium deal, shady backroom deals with banks, or the loss of a presidential campaign, us Clintons will milk every penny we can from the situation.
I don’t know if you know this, but the Democrats have somewhat thrown me and my husband Mr Charlee Sheen libido under the bus. I find it a complete lack of integrity that after completely abandoning their integrity and selling out to us after Obama left the party bankrupt and we offered to flip the bill in exchange for total control, and so my birthday gift to you is a bit of an “up-yours” to the donkey party.
Donald, as a birthday gift to you I promise to not go back into the woods. I will not allow the Democrats to separate themselves from me. I promise to continue to make appearances in which I attempt to delegitimize you, claim I lost because of sexism, and push the theory that all of your voters are angry white men. This will surely land you in office in 2020. You’re welcome.
With love, Hillary Clinton.
P.S. I know it’s a bit of a quirk of mine, but can you please delete this email, delete it from the deleted folder, delete your browser’s catch and cookies, uninstall your browser, re-install your operating system, and make sure this email leaves the face of the earth? I have a bit of a thing about having any evidence my emails ever having existed remaining anywhere on the internet. Thanks!